When Forgiveness Is Hard

Forgiveness. 

Webster says forgiveness is the act of forgiving.

Forgiving: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult or injury.

I saw the women my ex left me for at my daughters soccer game last night and I realized I have not forgiven her. 

I mean I have and yet I haven't, can this back and forth forgiveness even exist? I feel like Paul doing what I don't want to do. 

She, this affair partner of my husband at the time, had claimed to be my friend, which I now see was all a ploy for them to be together, she was the kind of girl so insecure that she was looking for a man who would tell her all the things and she didn't care that he was married.

I think my biggest struggle with the whole thing is that there has never been any "I'm sorry" or "I did lie, I was cheating with your husband" No, there is nothing. her last words to me were how much of a horrible mother I was, the worst she had ever seen.

I was only nice to her, opening my home and my life to her.

She is an addict and alcoholic, I met her when she had relapsed and was in need of people to do life with, I felt called to help her. She had lost her license for habitual DUIs and so I drove her to work, to probation, doctors appointments. we even went to Disney together and back to visit her family in the Florida panhandle. Little did I know, she was looking out for her own good and was doing drugs with my husband and stealing money from me.

But she doesn't know the Lord, why would I expect anything else from her, and in reality why would I even expect myself to behave any different.

I too am a horrible sinner saved by grace.

Oh that grace.

That grace was given to me, Lord God I want to extend that grace to her.

I desire to fully understand it in my own life and to extend it to her.

I want to extend that grace to the women who looked me in the face and called me friend, all the while stabbing me in the back slowly and painfully over 10 months.

I need Your strength Lord Jesus because my flesh wanted to punch her in the face when I saw her.

Oh forgive me for such little faith.

You're always doing a NEW thing God and I am excited to see what tis new thing is!

So if you are struggling to forgive, tell God about it, use my prayer above. we can not let unforgiveness stick around, we simply can not.

Be blessed my friend,

Michelle

Why I Deactivated Social Media

I've completely deactivated my FB and IG.

I was tired of seeing posts about my friend who took her own life. The memories of her, questions as to why and a string of posts blaming her ex alcoholic husband she was trying to divorce had me disliking and feeling sad on many levels.

We had become closer of the years; our friendship started as a mentorship, she to me and then slowly over the years it switched to a friendship and then in the end, I helped her along this journey.

I was about 3 years ahead of her in a divorce battle, my ex a narcotic addict, hers an alcoholic. 

There are so many of us out there trying to make sense of life after living long term with an addict.

The lies, the constant questioning our reality, being told what we are experiencing isn't real.

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I remember my ex taking hours in the bathroom, literal hours. It was hard to plan anything and his response was always, "No, it wasn't that long, you're impatient, you don't know" Then I would time him to prove to myself that I was not making it up, it really was a very long time, and then I would show him the timer and that he did indeed take hours to get ready in the bathroom. His response "Who does that? You're crazy to be timing me.  Who does that?' To which I would think "I am crazy, be patient, be kind, put others before you Michelle."

She dealt with that too. My friend who died.

She had be been cheated on for years and yet somehow she thought she was to blame; that somehow his rudeness was her fault.

So I deactivated social media and I also turn my phone off regularly; I do not want to be distracted from taking my eyes off of the real world in front of my face. I do not want to connect with people online who quite honestly could care less about me (more on that to come).

So to anyone divorcing an alcoholic or drug addict I encourage you to hang in there. To seek God and His Word, to know what God says about you.

You are loved.

God has always been there.

He loves you just as you are, right where you are.

-m

Wanting to Blog More - So Just Doing it More Regularly

So I am taking back what I can.

I want to give up often; starting life over at age 46 and now being 50, I can be hesitant about starting new with some fear of it all just falling apart again.

But that's not me.

I simply can not quit or give up, it is just not in my nature and I spent many years doing it to the detriment of my mental health; but that is the past and while glancing in the rearview is allowed it is just a glance.

So today was pressure washing the dog patio and yard and general yard work.

I have dreams and goals of using this property for God's glory on a larger level than He is using it now.

I will start by hosting craft events here and then who knows what; I am proceeding with open hands and a willing heart.

First 3.5 years Single - A Memoir

The first year was legit crazy.

I went from a cushy work from home gig doing what I wanted, when I wanted for the most part. My ex and I had spent 16 years growing a business that was finally allowing us/me to finally have some financial and tie freedom.

So when he left I was thrown into the workforce.

But I had boundaries, still have boundaries, on my work hours.

I worked 4 days a week at one job and then found a night time job as a server at the local Thai place. I worked 42-60 hours a week.

My bills got paid.

We got to travel.

Work hard, play hard.

We had a blast, but boy that first year was crazy.

Next up came year two. I not longer left my day job at the dog kennel I was working at to babysit dogs our of my home, then the Thai place closed down. 

I made it 3 months before I got notice I was losing "homestead exemption" on the home I was living in and paying for; yes, my ex had contacted the local property appraiser, letting them know he didn't live there anymore. MY MONTHLY MORTGAGE PAYMENT WHEN UP BY $500 OVERNIGHT!

That's when I went to Facebook and answered a job for tree sales; I would become what is known as a "walker". I would spend the next 3 months walking 10,000 - 20,000 steps a day knocking doors and selling tree work.

I will say this about tree sales: when it pays, it PAYS.

Anyway it was while walking for the second tree company that I was poached by a solar company to walk for them.

that lasted all of a month or two before I realized this was not the game for me.

I then took 5 weeks off and spent it in NH doing a little side work for friends and renting out a room to a traveling nurse back at the FL home.

Year 2 being single was coming to a close and I got a call from the dog kennel, would I want to come back and teach dog kindergarten, they had a much better name for the program but essentially I did arts and crafts and reinforced the basics with dogs, who at this point intime becoming my favorite people on the planet; calling dogs people is a blog post all its own for another time.

So year 3 single started as me being trained as I trained dogs to pass their Canine Good Citizen Test. What a fun job it was. I helped dogs balance on balance beams, jump over poles, sit still at parks and not chase the ducks at the river. While a very rewarding job it is hard work training dogs and this almost 50 year old was having major surgery so 8 months in, I said goodbye from the dog training world and began a year of decline.

That's all I can really call it, starting a few months before the 3 year anniversary of being left by my ex of 27 years 8 months and 2 weeks, I had a complication to my initial surgery and was rushed into emergency surgery just a week before a dog sitting job in NYC. That was the last of the last for me that 4th year being single. I'm not sure what happened as I am still finishing it up but I do know that it has been a year of shedding the old and stepping into something new.

My employment has settled down as I am back in bookkeeping/accounting world, this time I've learned about taxes!! Yes I am really excited for this new skill.

I am still watching dogs in my home. I just had 6 dogs at my place this last weekend and am in the middle of a 2 week 3x a day dog walking gig; so that little side gig has worked out pretty good, praise the Lord.

And that is what this is about, praising the Lord.

It's about a life that doesn't give up and does what it takes to get the job done.

Stick to it, stay close to God.

My pastor shared the story of Mary and Martha.

Be Mary. If you'd don't know the story, you can read it in the Bible.

Stay close to Jesus friends, remember God's hand is in your life, look for it and cling to His steadfastness, His never changing steadfast love for you.

{unedited version}

xoxo

-m